Promises, Pawmises

President SmuttyWhile campaigning Smutty promises to stick to universal issues of health, safety, jobs, and homes. There will be no discussion of personal female biological reproductive matters.  Smutty feels quite unqualified to address this topic as a neutered male.
Instead, Smutty will outline his plans to move the country back to peace and prosperity.

The first step is to significantly lower gas prices.  Smutty intends to implement the Evacuated Tube Transport Technology immediately upon entering office.  Funding will be sought through Kickstarter and redirection of some current transportation funds.

To reduce the current spate of violence, all violent criminals will be immediately put to work creating the parts for the Evacuated Tube Transport Technology.  All gun permits will be immediately repealed and owners must be reevaluated before they can reclaim their guns.  Anyone in any state with a violent felony history will be permanently denied a permit.

The Smutty for President campaign is now running on the Independent platform as the Republican show has gotten so sad, Smutty refuses to be associated with it.

Campaign donations gratefully accepted.

Smutty for President

Smutty for PrezSmutty has been watching the Republican debates and primaries very carefully and has concluded that the Republicans need a new candidate.  Clearly, there is a three-way tie going on with the current front-runners.  This means that a new, more decisively different candidate is needed to appeal to the Republican voters.

I submit, Smutty is the one you have been waiting for.  First, race is no issue as Smutty is an entirely different species.  Religion is a non-issue as Smutty is a devout believer in God.  Marriage is no issue as Smutty has never been married, is not in any relationship and has been neutered.  Infidelity is no issue for the same aforementioned reasons.

Economy; the economy is by far the biggest issue for the election.  Smutty submits that the economy shall be supported best by allowing everyone over 55 to retire right now.  Those who have contributed to the workforce during their lives shall receive homes, food assistance and basic preventative medical care.  They have earned it.

Those who have spent their formative years being a leech on society shall immediately be placed in the lowest level labor jobs where they may earn their way up the ladder that they should have been climbing in their 20’s 30’s and 40’s.  This innovative policy rewards those who have worked hard and gives another chance to those who have been draining resources.

For birth control, Smutty practices what he preaches.  He has permanent birth control to keep the cat population in check.  Humans should have the same option.  As Smutty sees it, you can’t demand that welfare be reduced and not make birth control free and available to all.

If you want to donate to Smutty’s campaign, click here.  Smutty and his followers give you 2 paws up.