Tag Archives: politics

Drama, Family, Humor, Pets

Breaking News — Democracy Suspended!

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Human politics are amusing to the superior animal kingdom. With animals, the strong survive, the children are protected and life is simple and clean. No one holds a baby sparrow hostage because they don’t get catnip

On the other hand, human politics involve a lot of silly posturing that could never be backed up in a one on one smackdown for leadership. For instance, a minority Republican party recently shut down the American government in a temper tantrum because they don’t like healthcare being extended to everyone. What a stupid show. If you can’t be the pitcher you take your bat and glove and go home? Very evolved.

Now, SmuttyCat has learned that in a secret meeting, the House Republicans repealed the right of any member of congress to call for a vote to re-open the government in the event of a stalemate. So, not only did the stupid humans shut down the government, they won’t face their bosses (the American people) and vote in public to say they did this.

Um, does anyone remember Democracy? The right of the people to know how the government is run? The right of the people to know and vote on changes? No secret meetings.

Only after the videos below were made public, did the Republicans finally vote to extend the budget and re-open the government. SmuttyCat won’t go into all the ways this is stupid, look at the videos and speak for yourselves.

And remember this stuff next election. Humans deserve adult representatives, not tantrum-throwing toddlers.

Family, Humor, Pets

Roll Up Your Fur and Get To Work

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Obama-Biden-ClintonGood morning America, Smutty is wrapping up his coverage of the 2012 election.  Everyone is exhausted from trying to keep track of the ups and downs but mostly just thankful its over.

Now its time to get to work.  Be serious, every kitten and pup knows that if you give one person more food or toys, they don’t turn around and start passing out the extras.  That is the essence of the “trickle down” theory of economics.  Republicans, let it go.  We are struggling to cut a deficit and provide compassionate safety nets for lower-income humans.

Someone has to pay more, it should be those who can afford it.  Digging in your heels and refusing to budge on tax increases for the rich equates to rewarding a toddler for throwing a tantrum.  Every time he wants something, he will scream like Donald Trump, knowing you are a wuss who will give in.  In the animal kingdom, Smutty just delivers a swift paw to the head and they straighten right up.  Try it, it works.

Businesses large and small; shut up and attend to business.  Paying for healthcare is part of being in business.  If you can’t afford to treat your employees like humans instead of insects to be stomped on, get out of business and get a job.  Oh, what’s that?  There are no jobs?  Cause your rich friends sent their money to the Cayman Islands and their jobs to China?  Take a note from GM and Chrysler who got bailed out and started ramping up their production in the country that stood behind them when times were bad.  Or, look to Ford whose top guy took a $1.00 per year salary until they turned things around.

In other words, suck it up, take responsibility for your own future and be willing to make sacrifices for your business, employees, community and country.  If you cannot do this, get out.  America has enough whiny, arrogant, entitled idiots and one less is a good thing.

Check out the constitution.  It offers equal opportunity for all.  This means that roadblocks to success like crime, poverty, poor education and lack of proper health care an nutrition have to be removed so EVERYONE can rise to their personal best.  Kicking those without access and calling them lazy without leveling the playing field is like peeing in the water hole.  Of no benefit to anyone and a possible killer of everyone.

So, humans (and dogs), Smutty offers you two paws of hope and friendship.  No matter if your candidate won or lost, the work still remains.

Roll up your fur or sleeves and get to work.

Smutty needs a nap now, then back to our regular programming.

(Thanks to Greywolf and DKemp Designs)

Humor, Pets

Salt Lake Tribune Says ‘Too Many Mitts’

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RomneyLiesAgainJust in case you needed any more convincing to vote for President Obama, here is an article reprinted from the NPR.  Smutty says go Vote.

The biggest newspaper in the state likely to give Mitt Romney his biggest margin on Election Day has endorsed Barack Obama for president.

The Salt Lake Tribune‘s endorsement, which is titled “Too Many Mitts,” praises Romney for his “singular role in rescuing Utah’s organization of the 2002 Olympics from a cesspool of scandal” and declares him Utah’s “favorite adopted son.”

But the newspaper’s editorial board says the Romney it has gushed over since his 2002 Olympic performance is not the same Romney running for president in 2012.

“As the party’s shape-shifting nominee,” the Tribune says, “Romney has raised the most frequently asked question of the campaign: ‘Who is this guy, really, and what in the world does he truly believe?’ ”

The endorsement praises Obama as “a competent leader who, against tough odds, has guided the country through catastrophe and set a course that, while rocky, is pointing toward a brighter day.”

For more than a century, the Tribune has been perceived as the left-leaning, non-Mormon — sometimes anti-Mormon — daily newspaper in a Democratic city in a Mormon-dominated state.

The Tribune has endorsed Republicans from time to time, but it also endorsed Obama in 2008.

The paper’s endorsement “undermines part of Romney’s narrative,” says David Magleby of the Center for the Study of Elections and Democracy at Brigham Young University, a school owned by the Mormon Church.

“It is potentially damaging to Romney in that the paper always praised his skills in managing the Olympics,” Magleby says, “and is now criticizing how those same skills have evolved on the presidential stage.”

But Magleby says the endorsement will not change many votes in Utah, where he predicts an Election Day tally of at least 70 percent for Romney.

“It could be the largest margin in any state,” he says.

The Romney campaign has yet to respond to a request for comment, but we’ll post any comment here if and when the campaign responds.

But Kirk Jowers, a long-time Romney adviser and director of the Hinckley Institute of Politics at the University of Utah, says the Tribune “got it wrong.”

Jowers says he’s known Romney since 1994 and says the Republican nominee “is the same man with the same character and the same values, and he’s the same singular force who saved the Olympics.”

Romney, Jowers adds, “is the singular force to save the country.”

Jowers doesn’t believe the endorsement will have any impact inside or outside Utah. The Romney campaign, he says, is more concerned about newspaper endorsements in battleground states such as Florida and Ohio.

The Tribune editorial board says it “had hoped that Romney would exhibit the same talents for organization, pragmatic problem solving and inspired leadership that he displayed here more than a decade ago.”

“The president has earned a second term,” the endorsement says. “Romney, in whatever guise, does not deserve a first.”

Family, Humor, Pets

Republicans for Obama

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Well, Smutty has seen it all.  In a hotly, sometimes rudely, contested election for President some prominent Republicans have good things to say about President Obama.

Smutty will let you see the videos for yourself.  First Colin Powell endorses Obama.  Then, in the aftermath of the vicious hurricane Sandy, Governor Christie becomes Obama’s new BFF.

It seems that some people recognize competence over political partisanship.  What a refreshing human trait.  Smutty is moved to skip a nap.

And, if you need more convincing, this was posted on Politico from the FB page of Irish Americans for Obama;

Usually when you’re having problems in a relationship, someone else shows up promising you heaven on earth, promising to be a million times better. Before you know it, you’ve dived into a bad rebound relationship you eventually regret!

Mitt Romney is promising you a fresh new happy relationship. But just take a look at his last relationship with the people of Massachusetts, where he was elected and served as Governor for 4 years. That ended very very badly. Ladies and gentlemen, he’s 30 POINTS BEHIND in his own state!

If the people of MA who ACTUALLY know the real Mitt are not buying the snake oil he’s selling, why should you? Folks, the man is not an angel coming to save you; he’s a fraud!

If you renew your contract with Baragh O’bama (Barak Obama sp), I promise, this country will once again experience a booming economy like we had when Bill Clinton was President.

Comic, Family, Fun, Humor, Pets

Batten Down for the Zombie Apocalypse

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Smutty is pleased to announce that the final important aspect of the election has now been covered thanks to Joss Whedon.  Joss has done an excellent job distilling the choices in this election down to its purest elements.

Do you want the Zombie Apocalypse?

If you are truly prepared and unafraid of the Zombie Apocalypse, stand tall behind Mitt Romney and cast your vote secure in the belief that you can weather the coming storm.

“He’s (Romney) not afraid to face a ravening, grasping, horde of sub-humans, cause that’s how he sees poor people already.” — Joss Whedon

For those who are not yet ready to face a complete meltdown of society, compassion, structure, unity and moral American values, make the choice to stand with President Obama.  Remember, those of us with four legs can run fast and forage food, but are not allowed to vote.

And if you close your eyes and let election shennagians transform voting night back to 2000’s “hanging chads” fiasco, tuck your head and stock up on canned goods and water.

Drama, Family, Pets

Humans are Slow Learners

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(Credit: DKemp Designs)

Perusing the day’s news, Smutty has found a few stories showing just how slow humans are to learn from their mistakes.

In a tragic story about a young girl being killed, there was this quote;

As technicians in white coveralls searched Sigg’s home, neighbors described the 17-year-old as a quiet, goth boy who often work black clothes.

“He was shy and kept to himself,” said Brooke Olds, 13, who usually saw Sigg alone on a skateboard or scooter.

How many stories have to have these phrases before human parents realize they need to get their children some help?

In other news, President Obama addressed the recent Republican comment regarding rape by stating;

“I don’t know how these guys come up with these ideas. Let me make a very simple proposition: rape is rape. It is a crime,” Obama said on NBC’s “The Tonight Show.”

“This is exactly why you don’t want a bunch of politicians, mostly male, making decisions about women’s healthcare.”

Hey Republican men, how stupid are you?  Stop commenting on the subject of rape.  If you have not been raped personally, you have NO opinion or stance.  SHUT UP!!  Sorry, Smutty can only take so much stupid before the lunch nap.

And finally, Americans please note; the entire world wants President Obama to win the election.  They acknowledge that he has been a strong and thoughtful leader through some serious crisises on the world stage.  Hmmm, Smutty thinks the countries dealing directly with the President are in a better position to rate his performance than Republican blowhards.  Please note what is being said;

1. Obama’s foreign policy works
Overseas, the president has an undeniably strong record,…Obama has shown he’s capable of “mixing muscularity with restraint,” … while relentlessly going after terrorists and playing a limited but key role in forcing regime change in Libya. Meanwhile, the world sees Romney displaying “the hubris of the powerful and the ignorance of the uninformed,” thumping his chest and scaring folks overseas.

2. The world is associating Romney with Bush
In many ways, this isn’t really a reflection on Romney,… the possibility that many foreign publics associate Republicans with George W. Bush, whose administration was deeply unpopular abroad.”  (bold and italics are Smutty’s)

Smutty’s just sayin’ go vote informed.

 

 

Drama, Family, Pets, TV

Romnesia and the Rumble

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Obama 2012
(Credit; addictinginfo.org)

The President coined a phrase for a new disease this week, “Romnesia” and let us know that this pre-existing condition is covered under Obamacare.

The Salt Lake Tribune demonstrated the evidence of this disease in their post regarding “Too Many Mitts”.  This publication has formerly praised Romney on his accomplishments, however they now state his frequent switches in policy make him unknowable.

On the other hand, Romney’s son Tagg (you’re it) demonstrated the poor parenting skills of both parents by publicly stating that he wanted to “jump out of his chair and take a swing at him” because the President told his father that some of his statements were not true.

Well Tagg, if your dad cannot take the time to check his facts before a debate for the Presidency of the United States of America, he deserves to be told he is not telling the truth.

And Gov. Romney, if your grown son cannot control his mouth without making treasionous statements against the highest office in the land, he does not deserve to be on your campaign staff.  Not to mention what it says about how you raised him.

If you run your house like this, we don’t want you as President.

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Drama, Family, Humor, Pets

Romney Flip Flops Again

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Smutty is wearing a neck brace.  He strained his neck from trying to keep up with Mitt Romney’s constantly changing stream of lies.  (And hey, check out the hairstyle change from early “car salesman” to a more laid back modern style).  Smutty is interested in seeing the “binders full of women” though.

Mitt Romney has spent over a year stating he will cut taxes for the wealthy, eliminate Obamacare and of course, the infamous “47%” quip,

“There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president no matter what,” Romney said in the video. “There are 47 percent who are with him, who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe that government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you name it.”

“Forty-seven percent of Americans pay no income tax,” Romney said, and that his role “is not to worry about those people. I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.”

This statement was vigorously defended by Romney the day after it was revealed to the American public.  Mr. Romney is now saying he was wrong about the 47 percent, and he is “for” 100 percent of Americans.  So, once again, Romney backtracks on something he says.

Further, Romney cannot possibly be “for” 100% of Americans because 100 percent of Americans do not want tax cuts for the wealthy (including some wealthy humans).  Gov. Romney’s plan to not raise taxes for middle class is hinged on eliminating current deductions for mortgages, children and the Earned Income Credit.  A reduction of tax percent cannot offset the benefit of these deductions.  (Check Smutty’s arithmetic here)

Why should the middle class give up these critical deductions to fund Romney’s plan to increase defense spending that the Department of Defense does not want?  Further, Romney cannot even keep his campaign budget balanced, how can he balance a multi-trillion dollar deficit?  Check out the GreyWolf‘s comments on Romney’s fundraising plans.

Romney is quick to criticize the President’s work.  However the jobless rate has fallen again, proving that we are on the right track for the long haul.  Romney is not interested in the long haul, he wants quick riches for himself and his rich friends that they can take out of the country.  Romney’s own finances are operated by a “blind trust” (his words) meaning he can absolve himself from responsibility for investing in companies that are pioneers in outsourcing jobs, and parking the bulk of his wealth in Cayman Island banks.

Quick patches that benefit the rich are not what America needs.  Our economy is in tatters and needs a long-term rebuilding plan that depends on the hard work values of the middle class.  President Obama is committed to that long-term battle.  The question is, are you?  Just what are you willing to do to ensure your CHILDREN inherit a stable economy in a SAFE country?  You want the quick fix or security for your children and grandchildren?

President Obama stated his priorities for the economy are;

  • 1 build manufacturing jobs in America
    2 give tax incentives to companies who hire here
    3 make sure we have the best education system in America
    4 control our own energy, invest in solar, wind, and biofuels
    5 take money we have spent on war to rebuild America

When asked about the long term unemployed, Romney did not answer the question.  Instead, he spent his time blaming the President, not explaining how he will create 12 million jobs with his “5 point plan” which has never been explained. Every question asked was answered by repeating his tired lies on how he will clamp down on China and cut taxes.

When asked “What have you done to win my vote in 2012”  President Obama answered clearly;

  • I cut taxes for middle class families
  • I cut taxes for small business
  • I ended the war
  • I reformed health insurance
  • I reined in the excesses of wall street
  • Going from losing jobs to creating jobs
  • Plan for manufacturing and education
  • The commitments I’ve made I’ve kept.  And I’m working on the rest.

 

For the 25 people who missed the first debate, Smutty has posted the full PBS video below.  Of course, if Romney is elected, this may be the last PBS video ever.

Here is the full second debate video courtesy of The New York Times.

Comic, Family, Fun, Humor, Pets

Thursday Toons

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Smutty found some funny comics around the web and wanted to share.  Have a fun time waiting for Friday.

Smutty will now return to his regular nap schedule.

Garfield1

(credit Jim Davis)
foxtrot1
(Credit Bill Amend)
Comic, Fun, Humor, Pets

And Now For a Lighter View of Politics

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Smutty found a great site with political jokes rounded up.  Take a look, but don’t drink your coffee or Coke while reading.

“Mitt Romney is worth half a billion dollars and he’s saying he pays 13 percent annually in taxes. Al Capone paid more than 13 percent in taxes, ladies and gentlemen.” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney says he’s never paid less than 13% in taxes, which I think is fair because only 13% of his money is in this country.” –Jay Leno

“A hurricane is scheduled to hit Tampa during the Republican Convention. These winds are so strong they could actually blow some of Mitt Romney’s money back in the United States.” –Jay Leno

“Paul Ryan just released his tax returns for the last two years, and it turns out he and his wife had a combined income of over $323,000 last year. To which Mitt Romney said, ‘See, I do reach out to poor people.” –Jay Leno

“Republicans like Paul Ryan because they say he’s a fiscal conservative, and that’s a perfect balance for Romney who’s a guy that has an elevator for his Cadillacs.” –David Letterman

“Paul Ryan is full of excitement, he’s drawing big crowds. The only thing holding Paul Ryan back now according to political experts is Mitt Romney.” –David Letterman

“Speaking of Paul Ryan, a new poll actually found that 42 percent of Americans do not approve of Mitt Romney’s running mate, which isn’t too bad considering most Americans don’t approve of Paul Ryan’s running mate.” –Jimmy Fallon

“In college Paul Ryan drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. So he and Romney have something in common. Both have the experience of driving a car with a dog on the roof.” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney is hoping to energize Republicans by announcing Paul Ryan as his running mate. Seriously? That’s like trying to spice up a bowl of oatmeal with more oatmeal.” –Jimmy Fallon

“They say that Paul Ryan will humanize Romney. And I thought, hell, an amoeba could humanize Romney.” – David Letterman

“Mitt Romney has picked Paul Ryan as his running mate. Experts say Ryan can add something vital to this campaign that Mitt Romney lacks: a personality.” –Jay Leno

“It is crucial that Romney pick a running mate who will help him with the groups he’s weak with: women, Hispanics, African Americans, Evangelical Christians – and Republicans.” –Stephen Colbert

“Mitt Romney is claiming he’s going to create 12 million jobs in his first term. But he hasn’t said yet if he’ll create them in China or India.” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney annoyed the British by saying that London seemed unprepared for the Olympics. You know, putting his foot in his mouth like that is not very presidential. Vice presidential, sure. Yeah, but not presidential.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney’s search for a vice president continues As you know, one of Mitt Romney’s problems is that he’s never hired an American for a job before, so this is new.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney has been giving his volunteers a free sweatshirt for making phone calls on his behalf. The sweatshirts are just like Romney, 100 percent reversible.” -Jimmy Fallon

“This Facebook fiasco is one of the biggest clusterf**ks ever on Wall Street. Regular people got screwed and the banks and the insiders did okay. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, ‘The American Dream.'” –Bill Maherl

“Mitt Romney was attacking Obama about our failing education system. He has a point. We are graduating millions of people in this country who are so lacking in basic analytical skills, they are considering voting for Mitt Romney.” –Bill Maherl

“A new biography came out that says that in high school Obama was a huge pothead … Mitt Romney had to respond to this and said, ‘It is appalling that Obama spent his teenage years goofing around and smoking pot when he should have been pinning down gay kids and cutting their hair.” –Bill Maherl

“Mitt Romney believes that marriage should be between one man and one woman. Which is better than his grandfather, who believed that it should be between one man and five women.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Today Mitt Romney visited a firehouse here in New York City. Of course, he was disappointed when he learned that the firehouse is not where you get to fire people.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney, who is on record saying that he would not waste money going after bin Laden, on record saying he would not violate Pakistan’s border to get bin Laden, this week said, ‘Of course I would have gotten bin Laden.’ Even his Etch-A-Sketch went, seriously?” –Bill Maher

“Republicans are now starting to accept the fact that Mitt Romney will be their nominee for president. But you know, they’re not that excited about it. It’s kind of like starting to accept that you’re going to prom with your sister.” –Jay Leno

“That Mitt Romney, he is a master campaigner. This week he was introducing his wife, and he said, ‘She is the heavyweight champion of my life.” Which may explain why on the ride home, he was strapped to the roof of the car.” –Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney just barely won the Republican primary in Ohio by 1%. Then Romney made the mistake of saying, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, tonight is a victory for the 1%!'” –Conan O’Brien

“First Mitt won Iowa, then he lost Iowa? That’s a classic Romney flip-flop.” –Stephen Colbert

“Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won the New Hampshire primary last night. See, this is proof that even the multimillionaire son of a multimillionaire can beat the odds and run for president of the United States.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is saying his comments about liking to fire people were taken out of context. Yeah, what he actually said was he likes to set poor people on fire.” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney says he understands the middle class, and that he knows it’s not easy keeping a roof over your family’s heads — as well as vacation roofs in San Diego, New Hampshire, and Park City, Utah.” –Jay Leno

“How about Mitt Romney? Now there’s a guy who looks like you would see his picture on a package of men’s briefs.” –David Letterman

“I’m having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything’s all right.” –David Letterman

“Apparently a large branch of Mitt Romney’s family lives in Mexico. … His grandfather in the late 1800s moved his whole family to Mexico to avoid being prosecuted for polygamy. … Mitt can use that to show that he’s tough on immigration. His family kicked themselves out of the country.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Mitt Romney says President Obama’s promises are like Kim Kardashian’s wedding vows. President Obama shot back. He said Romney’s positions last about half as long as a Kim Kardashian wedding.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney has come under fire for his pledge to eliminate federal funding for PBS. Romney said, ‘When I’m president, the only operated puppet speaking to kids will be me.” –Conan O’Brien

“Political analysts are saying that Mitt Romney is having trouble generating enthusiasm among Iowa voters. Now, ladies and gentlemen, you know you have a problem when people in Iowa find you dull.” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney’s wife says her husband loves caffeine free Diet Coke. Or as it’s known in the Mormon community, the ultimate gateway drug.” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney tried to make a $10,000 bet with Rick Perry during a presidential debate. Well, who says the Republicans are rich snobs out of touch with the common man?” –Jay Leno

“Many voters feel that Mitt Romney is out of touch with real Americans after he tried to make a bet with Rick Perry for $10,000. When asked to comment, Mitt said, ‘I’m sorry, but that’s all I had in my pocket at the time.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney admitted in an interview, ‘I tasted a beer and tried a cigarette once as a wayward teenager and never did it again. This has the makings of the lamest ‘Behind the Music’ special yet.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Most analysts agree the big debate winner last night was Mitt Romney, who stuck closely to his strategy of not being any of the other candidates.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Hookers in Times Square, God bless ’em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they’ll change positions.” –David Letterman

“In an interview last night, Rick Perry criticized Mitt Romney for flip-flopping on the issues. Romney said that Perry has no idea what he’s talking about. Then he added, ‘But he does know what he’s talking about.'” –Jimmy Fallon

‎”Almost all of Rick Perry’s support appears to have gone to Herman Cain because, again, and I cannot stress this enough, nobody likes Mitt Romney.” –Jon Stewart

“You got to feel bad for poor Mitt Romney. He’s in their plugging every week, and every week somebody gets ahead of him. The people who have led Mitt so far: Donal Trump, then Michele Bachmann, then Rick Perry, now Herman Cain. He’s been led by a reality show star, a crazy lady, a stuttering cowboy, and the guy who brings the pizza. That’s gotta hurt a little.” –Bill Maher

“The founder of Home Depot announced that he is supporting Mitt Romney for president. It’s kind of a nice story, because Mitt Romney was actually assembled with parts from Home Depot.” –Jimmy Fallon

“As the Republicans continue checking underneath every available flag pin and Bible for viable candidates, presumed de facto frontrunner candidate Mitt Romney has gotta be thinking, ‘What the fudge? This is starting to hurt where my feelings should be.'” –Jon Stewart

“According to a poll, over 50 percent of viewers thought Mitt Romney won this week’s presidential debate. They thought Mitt Romney won, yeah. Romney credits the win to his grasp of the issues and the good people at Mattel, who built him.” —Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney was sitting down with some unemployed workers the other day. Mitt is worth a quarter of a billion dollars, and he said, ‘Hey, I’m unemployed too.’ That is the famous Mormon sense of humor. A little tip Mitt, your people are only funny when the ‘South Park’ guys write your jokes. ” —Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney has announced he’s running for president in 2012. At the same time, he’s announced he’ll try again in 2016.” —Stephen Colbert

“Experts are predicting that in the first Republican debate, Mitt Romney will face his fiercest ideological opponent: himself from four years ago.” —Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney was on the ‘Today Show’ and admitted he likes to read the ‘Twilight’ books and watch ‘American Idol.’ If elected, he would be the 1st Mormon and the 1st 13-year-old girl to be President.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“I think Mitt Romney and Sarah Palin would be the perfect ticket. She can’t answer basic questions, and he has two answers for every question.” —Jay Leno

“Well, the presidential race is getting interesting. In an effort to clear up his reputation as a flip-flopper, Mitt Romney will give a speech on health care. And then, right afterward, he’ll give a five-minute rebuttal.” —Jay Leno

“No! Not Captain Buzzkill! Not the guy who looks like everyone who ever fired your dad! He’s gonna suck all the fun right out of this crazy thing. Just look at the online video announcing his run. It looks like it could double as an ad for erectile dysfunction pills. ‘Mitt Romney: for when the moment’s right.'” —Jon Stewart on Mitt Romney running for president

“Mitt Romney looks like a guy modeling briefs on a package of underwear … He looks like a guy who goes to the restroom when the check comes … He looks like a guy who would run a seminar on condo flipping … He looks like he is the closer at a Cadillac dealership…. He looks like that guy on the golf course in the Levitra commercial.” —David Letterman